GAhhh.. Benjamin has been coughing and wheezing like crazy again. Its so frustrating because I just don't know why he goes through these bouts. I know he has asthma, but it definitely doesn't seem like its under control. We have an appointment with the asthma doctor on Wednesday so I'm hoping she'll have some insight. I wish I new the triggers. I wish I could do more. I feel some days I need to get rid of the animals just to see if that helps. I know having three cats obviously doesn't help. The doctor was hoping to have Benjamin off his inhalers for the summer, but I'm doubting that. I get so nervous when he's coughing so much.. I'm worried he's going to choke..stop breathing. I don't think I will ever just relax. I still have this faint feeling in the back of my mind that something is going to happen and he is going to be taken away from me. I know he has a clean bill of health, but I'm always worried there is something underlying that we don't know about. Every time I pick him up out of his bed I feel his forehead to check for a fever. Every time he has a BM I check for blood..I know its a terrible thing, but after going through all we've been through I don't think those things will ever go away. Everything still feels so fresh even though he's almost one. I still cry thinking about his short little life. I know I can change things and this is his story...but I can't help but mourn the loss of a healthy child.