Change

The routine as I know it is going to change again. Jon goes back to work tomorrow and will be working all weekend. I'm thankful for my mother in law who is taking the girls from Friday to Sunday. I'm looking forward to having some time to myself to rest. I still feel like I haven't had the time to rest. I'll also be able to go to the hospital and not have to worry about the girls...which is nice. I worry more now about dividing my time since the girls are on summer holidays. I want them to have a great summer, but I have to stay close to home for Benjamin. They have been so understanding, but I worry about the resenting him for stealing my attention.
Benjamin was good today. He had another ultrasound, but results aren't in yet. The nurse did say that no one seemed to concerned, so I hope that's a good thing. His hemoglobin count was back to normal again today so that's good. On the weekend Jon and I are going to go in the evening and watch his bath routine, which I am excited about. The nurses allow the parents to do as much as they can. When I am there I can change his diaper and if we can come on a regular basis in the evening we can take over his baths as well. He is on 12mls of breastmilk and its increasing daily. When he hits 15mls they'll take his IV out...so hopefully by the end of the weekend. So things are going well...slow, but good. God is good. I am so blessed.

2 weeks old

I can't believe it..2 weeks closer to coming home. I can't wait. Benjamin is good. He is such a sweetheart. He is still so sleepy. I rarely see him with his eyes open. It seems at night when daddy visits he's awake more. Maybe on the weekend I'll go at night and see him more awake.
I met with the doctor today. Benjamin's hemoglobin was lower today, not dangerously low, but lower then yesterday. So they are going to do another ultrasound of his brain to make sure he's not bleeding anywhere. The doctor also said that if the hole in his heart closed it could throw his levels off. So it could be good news or it could be bad news. The ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow. I really hope we get some answers right away. I instantly start to worry about it. He did gain the ounce back that he lost. I was hoping he would have gained more in the last couple days..but he didn't lose so that's good news.
Anyways I know there will be bumps in the road, but even the little ones are hard. I just want him to be healthy and grow. Keep praying for my little man. He still needs it.

My little man

He's doing good. The nurses have taken him completely of the c-pap machine and he is now on low flow oxygen. This is great...it means he's getting stronger. I love my daily snuggles with him so much. Its a nice break, a time to chill out a bit. He rests so peacefully on me. Tomorrow he will be weighed again. I'm praying that he gains weight again..if not the nurse said they would fortify my milk with extra calories.
Benjamin has been slowly meeting friends and family which is great. Its nice for me to have the support from everyone. Thanks to everyone who has dropped off meals, gifts, cards etc. I really do appreciate it so much.

Worry

Benjamin is doing good. The nurses have been increasing his feeds daily. Once he is getting 15mls per feed they can take his IV out. I can't wait for that. He lost a little weight...which is kind of discouraging. I try not to get worked up over it and the nurse said it was normal...it was only 30grams, but its hard not to panic. He's had a few "apnea" spells to. He is just on low flow oxygen which is through the nasal prongs for a lot of the day. This helps him get stronger, but he does get tired too and he forgets to breathe. He did this on me yesterday and kind of turned grey..how scarey. We poked him a bit and he woke up and was fine again, but it still bothers me. The nurses all tell me how normal it is, but I still get upset.
Its such an emotional rollercoaster. He's 29 weeks tomorrow. I hope time keeps passing this fast so I can bring him home. I just want him home.

Growing

Not to much to say right now.. All is well. Benjamin was weighed last night and he's 2lbs 15oz. So exciting to see he's growing. His birth announcement was in the paper today. I'll take some more pictures tonight.

A quiet day

Well there is nothing new to report today. Which is good. Benjamin spends his days snoozing away in his incubator. He's so sleepy, but its good because when he sleeps he grows. He has periods where he's away a little more. Yesterday while I was holding him and chatting with a friend he seemed to respond to me talking by lifting his head and opening his eyes. Its exciting to see him a little more resposive. Grandma and Grandpa said he did the same when they visited today as well. I'm glad he knows we're around. At last weigh in Benjamin was 2lbs 11oz..tonight they weigh him again...Hopefully he's close to 3lbs. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Asymptomatic

Asymptomatic is the word the nurse used for Benjamin today. This means he has no symptoms of premature birth. He's perfect...just small. His head ultrasound came back negative for any sort of bleeding which is common in preemies. We spoke with the cardiologist this morning and the hole causing his heart murmur is remarkably smaller and may just close on its own. It is not affecting the hearts function at all. Benjamin is now getting breastmilk every 2 hours via his feeding tube and having no issues with that either. I can't even put into words how blessed we are.

Time to grow

Things have been so good with Benjamin. He started eating again yesterday and is tolerating my milk now.. I think it was just the medication upsetting his tummy in the first place. Instead of starting him on feeds every 6 hours, like originally planned they are now feeding him every 4 hours. This is awesome...He should start gaining weight at good pace now.
I got to hold him for over 2 hours today. It was so nice. I love spending that time with him. He cuddles right in and sleeps so peacefully. He was only recieving oxygen through nasal prongs while he was out. The nurses do this for periods of time through out the day to help him breathe more independently. Its called "sprinting".
I feel so blessed. I have such a great support system. I have great, encouraging friends, awesome parents who have helped out so much, and the community in general has been so wonderful. Plus Jon has been my rock through this all. He's a great man and I honestly don't know how I would get through this without him.

A week old already

This week has flown by. Benjamin had a good day today. He was pretty quiet. Things look good and they are starting to feed him again today. I really hope he tolerates it because as soon as he start eating I'm sure he'll grow fast. He has put on 3oz which is so exciting. He's looking more mature already. I know the he'll start changing daily...and I'm looking forward to that. I got to hold him again today. I love spending time with him..he's so precious. But he did cry again when the nurse took him :( The NICU is a crazy place. There are so many babies..some so much smaller then Benjamin. I'm so lucky that my little man is doing as well as his is. We are truly blessed. God is good.

Snuggles with mama

So finally today I got to hold my boy. In the NICU they encourage something called "kangaroo care". They have recliners that they squeeze between the incubators and they put the babies skin to skin on mama's chest. This can help baby to have a steadier, regular heartbeat; have easier and more relaxed breathing; sleep better and be alert and calm with he is awake. Benjamin did great. He just had oxygen on through nasal prongs. He snuggled up and slept to well. He smelled so good. His vitals stayed perfect and he even opened his eyes a few times and looked at me. It was so sweet. It was so hard to put him back...he started to cry when the nurse took him off me. It broke my heart.
He got his last dose of meds for his heart murmur so hopefully tomorrow we'll know the results from that. The nurse also said that preliminary looks at his head ultrasound looked to be negative for any brain bleeds. We're still waiting for the final report from the radiologist. The only issue right now is that he is not tolerating my milk...this could be because the medication from his heart murmur treatment is upsetting for his little tummy and throwing everything off. So tomorrow they will try again. Pray that he can tolerate it and start growing. Its one day at a time. I'll post of pic of me holding him. I had to take it myself..I was at the hospital alone, but I needed to take a pic of such a special moment.

Happy Father's Day

When we got to the NICU this morning every baby had an "I Love my Daddy" bib hanging from their IV polls. Pretty cute. Benjamin had a great day. He now just has a little air pressure coming through his cpap machine, but is doing all the work himself. His bloodwork looks great and things are looking good. He opened his eyes a bit for us today, and cried a bit for us while the RT changed his little mask and hat. I also got to change his diaper for the first time today. I never thought I would be so excited about changing his diaper...but those little things you take for granted when you take your healthy baby home all of a sudden become so special. I just want to bring him home :(

A good day

Today has been a good day. I feel pretty good...more rested. I went up to the hospital this afternoon and walked in on the doctors putting in a central line. Up until now all his fluids/medication get into his body through and umbilical catheter, but that can only last so long. As his cord dries up they have to move it. So poor Benjamin was under some blankets, just his arm out as the doctor put in the line. I can't even imagine how they get it into his tiny veins. All I know is he was bleeding quite a bit. And now that he is extubated he makes sounds when he cries. So I could hear his tiny cries from under the blanket. It was pretty sad. Anyways it was placed well and can stay in for several weeks, until he is feeding more regularly. Other then that he is pretty stable. He sleep a lot...around 23hrs a day, but the nurses say that's best and that he will grow better that way. I also met with the lactation nurse today. She said they usually start introducing baby to breast around 32weeks. That's only a month away and I'm really looking forward to that. He's a strong little boy....

Finding a balance

  This will be the biggest trial. How do I divide my time between home and hospital? I am 3 days post-partum and exhausted. I don't get the opportunity to come home and rest with my new baby. I know it will be steep learning curve and the next few weeks will be the hardest. I know to, that as Benjamin gets bigger he'll be more active and know when I'm around. Then it will be even harder to leave him. Benjamin was good today. We met with some of the neo-natal doctors because he has a heart murmur. I guess this is very common in babies that are this small. They will try some medication to close the vessel causing the murmur. Hopefully this works. There is always the chance he may eventually need surgery to correct it. He is a fighter..he started feeding last night and tonight pulled the tube for the ventilator out himself. I am constantly pulling his hands off the the tubes and wires...he seems to always find them back. So now he just has a little mask over his nose giving him a few extra breaths. This is a big step. The nurses always tell us how great he is doing. I am so thankful for that.

A busy day

I am such a basketcase...an emotional wreck. I went down to see Benjamin this morning just as they were getting ready to do bloodwork. I am so thankful I was there to hold his little hand while the nurse pricked his tiny foot, but watching him in pain was so hard. When he cries no sound comes out because of the tubes, and I think that makes it even worse.
Today was such a busy day. I finally was discharged from the hospital, but had to do a lot of running around. I went back to the hospital and the nurse finally let me hold him for the first time. He was wrapped up so tight and it was difficult with all the wires in tubes, but I managed to snuggle him for an hour and a half. It was so amazing. He's a little fighter. He is constantly trying to pull his tubes out. The good news was they turned down the ventilator and the doctor even mentioned that if he's stable they may be able to take him off all together with in the next day or two. Wouldn't that be amazing? the nurse also said they were going to start his feeding today or tomorrow. He'll get 1 ml of milk per feed...such a tiny amount. I have managed to pump 15mls for him already which will be the best thing for him...
The girls are so happy I am home...now comes finding the balance between home and hospital. I'm glad school is done soon, that should make things a little easier.

Well he's here

..and he's not supposed to be. What a way to come into the world. After being admitted to the antenatal unit last Friday I was positive after some observation that the doctors would let me go home on bed rest and I would be able to carry this baby at least a few months longer. After medication to stop contractions things quieted down, I started to feel better and things were looking up. But 2am Tuesday morning that all changed. I woke up to go to the bathroom feeling fine, noticed I was bleeding and that's when my contraction started. The doctors moved me to labour and delivery for observation. I saw a lot of doctors, no one had any answers on what was going on. My contractions were strong, but no unbearable, they were 5 min apart, but not getting any closer. No one new if I was truly in labour or not. Finally after and exhausting day I gave into some meds to help me sleep. With in minutes I was out cold. I slept soundly for 3 hours, but woke up frantic and ready to push. I called for the nurse hysterical and as they rushed me down the hall to the delivery I new it was time. Baby Benjamin was born barely in the delivery room...at 9:28pm. Thank God the neo-natal team is fast because they were ready and whisked him off. I didn't get to see him until close to midnight...Jon got a quick peak before they took him to the NICU. When I finally got to see him it was hard. I didn't expect him to be so small...I knew he was...I knew about the tubes and wires but it was so overwhelming.

Today is a new day...I woke up with the sun coming in my window, it felt good, so hopeful and promising. We have a lot of challenges a head of us..but with God all things are possible. I know He will help us through this too. Its amazing how life changes in a flash...